Keliah's Commentary: Beautifully Broken, Epically Tragic, Perfectly Whole

So I’ve been MIA for weeks now. Work has been killing me. I’ve been so tired and grumpy lately that I’ve only had time to write in 140 characters or less and not much else. If you follow me on twitter, you already know. Anyway, after watching the December 9th episode twice, I figured why not blog about it? Only 5 weeks left until the end, and lem’me tell you, I’m gonna bawl like a baby in need of a bottle and a total nutter in need of therapy come January 13, I don’t care what the ending is, because either way, it’s over and I’ll no longer have a thing to bitch about or cry over anymore. That said, this entry will be full of bitchy goodness, because, well, I can. So just DEAL, YO!

December 09

So the Buenos Dias and the Bon Jour café are identical twins in separate towns. Clever.

Interestingly enough, I don’t care about Rex and Aubrey as much as I care about Cutter and Stigi together. Sue me. Cutter and Stigi, I could actually root for, IF WE HAD THE TIME. Rex and Aubrey OTOH, not so much. Maybe it’s because I don’t care for Rex in general. Yeah, that could be it. But we all know that Rex and Gigi will eventually be reunited and Gigi will realize that she really loves Rex after all, so her kissing Cutter was a moot point, just as Rex kissing Aubrey, AGAIN, was a moot point. But I admit that kiss with Cutter and Stigi was HOT!!!! I really liked it and it made me want to root for them even more. But again, WE ARE ON A SCHEDULE. Not to be crass, but we have no time to continue dicking around here.

Oh, and while Stigi’s at it, she might want to remember that SHE HAS A SON in need of his MOTHER, TOO!

Speaking of reunions that need to happen before January 13, I’d like to toss Cliki or Clint and Viki into that group. Now suddenly Clint’s hands are going to be full of Kim while Viki is in Paris, Texas. Whatever. Hey, I actually like Kim, and I’ve never been opposed to the May/December thing. And she and Clint have some really good and natural chemistry. But lets get real here, Clint (no matter who played him), and Viki are a staple couple for One Life to Live and for crying out loud! They both have had dramatic, life saving heart transplants! Listen, if we had enough time to play around in the sandbox and dump sand on each other’s heads and play you show me yours, I’ll show you mine before our mom’s picked us up from daycare and took us home, I could totally see Clint being torn between two lovers and feelin’ like a fool. A choice between the young, vibrant thing who probably brings toys to bed and the more mature woman who knows him best and warms his heart and soul by being there for him no matter what when the chips are down. But once again, WE ARE ON A SCHEDULE HERE! TICK. TOCK. I really have no interest in seeing Clint talk to Viki the way Blair spoke to Tomas. “Well, now, I can be with you since the one I REALLY wanted doesn’t want me back... I think.” Give me a break, here, Clint, we all know that your OTP is Viki, so why even act like Kim was the great true love of your life and that you’re only kissing and choosing Viki cause she’s available and there? Not buying it. The story itself is contrived to drag out drama and angst. Again, I like Clint and Kim, but the show is ENDING. Stop dicking around!

That brings me to………………sigh. I don’t even know if I want to keep talking about Jolie and their “issues” after this week. Now Natalie knows how John feels about her and she wants to keep their relationship as is. Fine. I can deal with her being pissed that John didn’t fight for her, because lets face it, HE DIDN’T FIGHT FOR HER. He just gave up and let the other guy win and damn near marry her ass and let him raise HIS child! Um, learn how to be PROACTIVE in getting what you want, John! Todd may have removed a man from Blair’s orbit and not told her about it, but at least he’s GETTING SHIT DONE to get who and what he wants!

That said, what the hell was wrong with Natalie just going up and telling him, “Listen a'here, m’effer, I know how you feel about me, why didn’t you find your balls, put them in place, and TELL ME ABOUT IT before I marched my ass down that aisle? No, instead you decided that you wanted to leave town and watch ME, the supposed one true blue love of your life marry someone else you KNOW I didn’t love as much as I have always loved you? So, what is REALLY going on, JOHN? Do you want me or not? Can you finally FORGIVE ME or not? If not, fine, we’ll just be co parents and go from there, but if there is a chance, you need to let me KNOW, or I can STEP TO THE LEFT and find a man who actually TELLS ME HOW HE FEELS WHEN HE SEES ME ABOUT TO MARRY SOMEONE ELSE and doesn't allow the ENTIRE TOWN TO KNOW THE TRUTH BEFORE ME!” the moment she learned from Roxy how he felt? Natalie is supposed to be a feisty red head and should’ve just told John all of that and then some with a head role and finger snap too boot! But she didn’t. Instead, she just gets pissed and pouty and like a child keeps her feelings to herself. I actually like Jolie, believe it or not, but this has gotten so past ridiculous that it’s beyond absurd. When are these people going to tell the other how they really feel? Once again, STOP DICKING AROUND! TICK TOCK! Roxy was right, Natalie is just as bad as John, they are both being stupid and stubborn for two grown folks and PARENTS, and she has no time for them anyway, she has a soap to save.

Wow, how bittersweet is this? They planned this storyline of Frat Row when the show was going to be saved. Anyone notice the cover of Weekly in that episode? “New Prospects in the Park.” Good Gawd. So Frat Row is most likely going to be saved while OLTL, as we all now know, is NOT going to be saved. I really don’t know what else to say. It was a clever idea, I will say that. I know that it has also gotten mixed reviews from the fans so far. I actually don’t mind the storyline, per se, but it will be sad to watch them being happy about their soap being saved while ours only has 5 weeks left on air. I could say more, but I’m already bitching about ONSCREEN stuff. Behind the scenes stuff would take much more than this column would allow. Which brings me to the lamest of lame bullshit that we are being served up on a rusted silver platter…

Guess what, y’all? I still don’t give a shit who killed Victor. There, I said it. I’m so sick of this damn non-mystery that I could SCREAM and Spit and SMACK someone silly in the process! Most people I know don’t even think Victor is DEAD and I don’t either. What a waste of time this is, should I even bother with the Tick. Tock. clock? Oh well, I just did. Even less than that, I don’t care that Tomas is gone and (weakly) tied up in a chair in a room and kicking tables around. Big whoop, man. Todd was locked up for 8 years and tortured about a damn microchip that seems to be completely and utterly irrelevant now. So just DEAL Tomas, you’ve been there for maybe a few days at best. Who even KNOWS in Llanview time, it was probably a day and a half! I don’t care about Tomas. I don’t care about his supposed pain. I don’t care about his whitewashing. I don’t care. I’m not invested. He didn’t give a shit about his family anyway when he left all those years ago, so what difference should it make now? He lied to Blair. He lied to Tea. He lied to everyone about who he is and what he’s done, and HE initially wanted Victor away from his sister and niece, and I’m supposed to suddenly feel bad, as he stole the picture of his VICTIM’S WIFE, kept it for himself and obsessed over it for 8 years, painted it over and over when he got blue balls and then got to reap the benefits of it all in the end? But he felt bad the whole time? Bullshit.

Here’s what, I’m invested in Todd Manning and I’ve been invested in Todd Manning since I was 9 years old. I’m 26 now and I’m more invested in him now than ever. Tomas doesn’t deserve my sympathy for keeping Todd from the people I love, for 8 years. Am I being biased here? Totally, but that’s the way it goes in terms of a character I'm actually invested in. Todd has done me a favor in getting Tomas off my screen for the time being. The more he hugs and comforts Blair and caresses her face and holds her close and keeps her picture in front of his monitor while he works at The Sun, the more and more I get to witness the amazing and dazzling chemistry between RH and KDP that has, without a shadow of a doubt, gotten stronger and more charismatic and vibrant and intriguing and wild and wonderful and downright sexy over time. Is Todd lying too? Yes, but you know what, he gets a pass. He was unwillingly tortured for 8 years, his brain has been fried overtime, and he just wants his soulmate, his lifesaver, his OTB back in his arms. He doesn’t want Tomas hurt, he just wanted him away from his woman. Tomas should've been the "better man" people say he is and stepped aside and let Blair have a real choice instead of badgering her to choose him over the father of her children and getting in her space and face whenever he thought she was falling in the opposite direction. What a farce and total waste of time that relationship was.

Sure, Todd could’ve just told Blair how he felt about her and no way in hell would Blair have even been with Tomas, cause anyone with eyes and ears who knows Blair Cramer and Todd Manning together and apart, could see and hear that she only chose Tomas because (a) Todd didn’t tell her how he felt and (b) she felt he was the “safe” choice, if only because he couldn’t hurt her because she didn’t and doesn’t care all that much. All this double-talk in the dialog and writing doesn’t sway what I see playing out on my screen.

Todd is he one who’s got a piece of her soul and that’s something that Blair has and never can nor will she EVER deny to anyone, especially herself. They are two broken halves that come together making a fixed whole. That was clear to me on Friday. Blair looked so at peace in Todd’s arms, so serene, and satisfied to be held by him, she didn't even flinch or move away or release his arm or hand when they were interrupted.

I’ve known Blair since I was a child. I’ve seen her through her ups and downs, and good and bad. I’ve seen her with Cord and Max and Todd and Victor Jr. and Spencer and Eli, etc. I’ve seen her in lust and in love. I’ve seen her happy, I’ve seen her sad. I’ve seen her cry tears of joy and pain and sorrow, I’ve seen a piece of her soul being left behind in the heart and arms and soul of one man. Tomas Delgado is not that man. He does not and will never own a piece of her heart or soul. He will never measure up to even those men in her past, let alone to the one her heart really wants, desires, and longs for, Todd Manning. He was a cockblocking substitute for every other man that has been placed between them, namely Sam Rappaport #2. Maybe while you’re in Gitmo, TOE, you can find a shovel, go find Sam, dig him up and ask him his thoughts in all of this. By the looks of that picture, T&B agree.


John and Tea think they have the case solved and that Todd did it, but they have no proof of it. Tea thinks that Blair would want Todd locked up as much as she does, and John thinks that Blair would tell Todd in 3 seconds what was going down and essentially protect him because “things run too deep with those two”. Survey says, John’s hit the nail on the head where Blair is concerned. Seems he knows her better than her so-called “best friend”. I find it funny in an ironic way that John quickly believes that Blair would save Todd if she found out what he’s “done” but he clearly doesn't think she would do the same for Tomas. Much like when she saved Todd at the cabin, knew he killed his mother, but didn’t saw a word about it in court even AFTER Tomas was going to be sentenced for Irene’s murder. Once again, she protected Todd and kept quiet. Sure, she wanted him to do the right thing, but she wasn’t going to give him up. Unlike Tomas, she just sat there and felt bad that he might go to prison for a crime he didn’t commit. But Oh to the Well. Some great love between Tomas y Blair, eh? Tea on the other hand, doesn’t know what Blair wants or needs or thinks or feels, she has no clue, because she hasn’t asked her, she just “assumes” that Blair would want the same thing she wants. Why is that? You shared some Todd’s, honey, you don’t share a brain.

I want Todd and Blair from now until the end, I don’t care how or why I get it, but I want it. I want them as much as I can get them and I’m going to savor every waking moment with them until the very end. And if I get them making out like teens on a couch or against a wall or in a car or any other flat surface they can find and maybe even naked at some point (not allowing those two hot bodies to slam against each other at some point before the end would be a total crime against nature and wasted tragedy!), that would be a bonus too.

That’s all I’ve got for today! If I missed anything, it probably wasn’t meant to be!

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Keliah's Commentary: I Wish I Was the Moon

First and foremost, I totes apologize for my lonnnggggggg absence. Work has been KILLING me softly and not in a good way, lemme tell ya! I hardly get to watch the show live anymore, unless I get a day off. This upcoming week, I’ll get to see every episode live, except Monday. Don’t you know I am just THA-RILLED about it, yo!!! THA-RILLED! Whatever!

Anyway, I happily enjoyed Monday’s October 31 episode. Not only did OLTL keep in tradition by having Todd spend Halloween with Blair (AND SAM!!!!! Totes ADORBS!) BUT, we got to see Stigi’s LIPS! Always a pleasure, only not even close to being remotely pleasurable. Somebody tell her she’s wearing too much damn lip gloss and the fact that REX wouldn’t know her from that alone is damn near mind boggling and too redonk for words, fo sho! Anyway, lets dive into last Monday’s episode and see how much sugar Todd actually inhaled vs. the amount of sugar and from which bowl, he would’ve happily consumed. WHAT??? Don’t ACT LIE YOU WEREN’T THINKING IT!

Viki tied to get Clint into the Halloween spirit. Instead, he was obsessing over looking for a letter from KimBrey. That’s what I call her to keep it simps for err'body. Riveting, yo. Then, lo and be-gdamn-hold, Jess and Ford walk in with little Bree. Little bit, ADORBS in her costume! Fess, not so much in regular clothes! Anyone want to remind me why Ford even exists??? Cause, yeah, I don’t have the answer. Oh right, to drool over the face of a woman he DOESN’T love, cause the one he REALLY loves lives DEEP INSIDE HER. Take that as you will. Kay, thanks. I got it now. Oh, and what in the hell is up with this Uncle Bobby nonsense??? Every time I hear that from women who tell their daughters to refer to some totes creepster man they’re hanging with or “dating” (see: having sex with), as “Uncle” WhatTheHellEver, I suddenly get images of bad Lifetime Movies where the girl grows up having an affair with said “Uncle” while the mother never had a CLUE! OLTL might just want to do away with that shit pronto! Todd is the only exception, because he IS indeed Sam’s uncle! But more on that bundle of cuteness later!

Oh, but Ford saved the day y’all. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. We should all be so lucky he was there to put out a fire by stomping on a flaming paper bag on a stoop. Say WHAT??? I wish, wish, WISH y’all could see my face right now cause it’s a mixture of bullshit and what in the flying f*** am I watching here, yo?!?!?! The whitewashing of this character is sickening beyond words, I cannot even. I watched that segment with my mouth open, my eyes peered, and my brows scrunched in shame and bewilderment. If it weren’t so stupid, it would be laughable. Then Bree wanted to go to Natalie’s party. Plot point. NEXT!

Speaking of said “party”, Shaun was dressed like Michael Jackson. It was THRILLER, BAD, and BILLIE JEAN all rolled in one. I kinda dug it. I also liked Natalie’s outfit. A skimpy seal. I adored! But she shouldn’t be marrying Brody and if I look into my crystal ball of Hershey’s kisses, she won’t be. The woman couldn’t pull off thrilled to marry this dude if someone paid her to "look" the part. Anywho, Roxy was Britney Spears ala Hit Me Baby, One More Time! Believe it or not, I own Brit’s first album and learned the dance moves for that very song! WHAT??? DO NOT JUDGE ME!!! She’s a former Mousketeer and I had to SUPPORT! Latter years in shaving her head and marrying a Federline aside. Hey, we all make mistakes, YO! So they all took shots that Roxy made and then they listened, or tried to, as Roxy made a drunk speech about… life… or love… or doors… or dead people…. hell, I don’t think even SHE knew what she was babbling about. My guess is that shot glass was filled with ¼ juice and ¾ liquor! The hard stuff that makes you pass out upon first sip.

But about dead people, Tina of course saw a picture of Gigi on the mantle of Buch mansion, realizing it was the same girl that she had seen lurking around Llanfair. But, Gigi’s dead, so that’s not possible, right? Yeah, right? This girl with her face and mouth and lip gloss running around town is not GIGI at ALL! What a waste of fucking time it will be if she really is Stacy. It’s bad enough that we have to suffer through this nonsense, but if they make her someone else, I think I might just go ahead and mail Ron a picture of BOTH my middle fingers. I’m. Not. Joking!!! Of course Lips and Cutter show up and Rex has no idea who she is. Well, she IS wearing a mask glued to her FACE, so I’m so SURE that it was so DIFFICULT to tell who she was. Only, it shouldn’t have been, as I’ve mentioned earlier. Whatever. This storyline blows chunks. Really, if anyone is enjoying this stuff, please let me know. I’m really curious to see what the audience is liking. And, well, NOT liking. Cause as you know from reading my columns, there are things I LIKE and things I DO NOT! But I try to talk about all of it as much as I can. You know, me being an equal opportunity chick and all.

And since I’m so equal, I’ll talk more about Rex and Roxy. Of COURSE they are having a conversation about Natalie that Brody promptly interrupts.

Rex to a sauced Roxy: My sister is marrying Brody.

Brody (walks up with a semi-grin on his face): Damn straight, any reason she wouldn’t?

Me: BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T LOVE YOU, YOU FOOL!!!!!! You keep walking in on her looking all DOE-EYED at John and you think she really, REALLY wants to marry you? No, BRUH. Not in the least BIT!

Some of these men of Llanview need to be hit with the “Dumbass, she’s just not that INTO YOU!” stick. I don’t hate Brody, I really don’t, but he’s being an idiot marrying a woman who doesn’t love him. I don’t think Natalie is blameless, because frankly, she’s leading him to think that there is something more to this than there is. I think she would LIKE there to be something more, because she wishes that she were over wanting a life with John, but that shit’s just not going to happen. He's in her blood, it just IS! She thinks he doesn’t want her so she’s settling. Lordy, will this sound ever to familiar to me in about a week’s time.

Anyway, Brody proposing and marrying her is not endearing or some great thing. He KNOWS that he’s not Liam’s father and then every chance he gets, he’s being a dick to John about it. Look, I know not everyone likes John and I know that people say that he dropped Natalie and Liam when he found out that Natalie sexed Brody. Not. Good. HOWEVER, if we’re to believe that Brody is the “better” or more “noble” of the two, he would’ve and SHOULD’VE told John and Natalie the truth when he found out, risked losing them both, but asked to still be part of Liam’s life, as he thought of him as a son. I don’t see Natalie objecting to such a thing. But at this point, he’s basically just STEALING a family that doesn’t belong to him! It’s not noble or cute, it’s creepy and wrong, and I’m sick of it. I hear this mess ends soon and I for one could not be happier than a peach!

Oh, and Shane came face to face with his mom, only not, cause it aint her and she was hiding behind a mask. Then it got to be too much for her when he was talking ABOUT her, or excuse me, his "mom", and so she had to just run out of there as fast as possible with Cutter on her tail. KrisBrey quickly realized who it was as she accidentally began to undress his mummy costume and recognized his nipples. I had no idea that you could know who someone was by the size and shape of their nipples. Well… Whatever, never mind.

Then, Clint was nice to Ford and shook his hand and in that moment, I knew he had been snatched, sent to Eterna, and replaced with a POD person! But the good that came from it was Viki adoring Clint. I totes see a reunion on the horizon for these too! Even if KimBrey is suddenly tossed in the middle again!

And ZOMG!!! CORD and TINA in the stables bow-chicka-wow-wowing!!!!

In conclusion to the happy:

TODD SHOWED UP TO LA BOULAIE ON HALLOWEEN!!!! He was a wolf/beast hybrid, I’m convinced. Blair was dressed as a lifeguard, wearing her red cape. Okay, it was a red jacket, but just go with it. Interesting that they chose a different outfit this year instead of the traditional witches costume that they usually have for Blair. That one was reserved for Bitch Mama this year, and IMHO, pretty symbolic and shouldn’t go unnoticed. Blair the lifeguard versus Bitch Mama the Debbie Drowner. And she showed off those GAMS that went on for DAYS in those shorts!!!!

The moment Blair opened the door, once she told him that she basically remembered how much he had a fondness for Halloween, the sexual innuendoes began flying outta his mouth.

Todd likes a freak??? Hmm, who knew?
Blair has the best candy??? As he eyes her up and down... Well, of course he would know!
He wants sugar from her bowl??? Well… damn. Just damn.

Okay… so, I could go all kinds of different ways with this. I really, really could. And I have, I really, really, have on twitter. I haven’t stopped talking about Todd wanting Blair’s candy for about a week now. And I’m thinking that once he finally gets it, he won’t want to stop eating. OH, DON’T GO THERE!!! YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW I ROLL!!!!

As Todd consumed the sweets in Blair’s bowl, not the ones he wanted, but he sufficed with a substitute for the time being, he wanted to see Hope in her costume. Of COURSE, he missed her cause James and Starr took her out, but I would have DIED if he got to see her dressed as a peanut! But that was too much to ask. So then, he wanted to kick rocks with Jack and toilet paper the Buch house. He had 96 rolls. Hmm… 96??? Okay, I’m not gonna touch it, you just figure it out. Blair tried telling him that maybe they should start with Jack actually using Todd’s real name, to which the adorableness that is little Sam walked in saying “hey, scarface!” and waving his shark fin. ADORBS!!!!! Of course, Sam had no idea that it wasn’t the way to address his Uncle Todd (you know, cause unlike Bobby to Bree, TODD IS IN FACT SAM’S UNCLE!), thanks to Jack being such a turd and calling him Scarface, Scarface, SCARFACE!!!! every freaking chance he gets! Jack may be too old to spank, but he isn’t too old for a proper beat down. JUST. SAYIN’!

Hmm…. I recall Blair saying that Todd was asking for it, and he said he was. Now, I could go a million different ways with all of this as well, cause I think dude was pretty much asking for it the moment he rang that doorbell, but I will let my readers just sit and think about some things for a bit.

Blair decided to sit little Sam down on the stairs and explain to him who Todd really was. In the meantime, Todd was looking at her like this:

GULP. *DEAD*

I think her shorts nearly starting sliding down those gams by themselves. But, not quite…

Then we were treated to yet ANOTHER lovely flashback of Todd “shooting” Victor. Grand, y’all. Just. Fucking. Grand. The constant insertion is probably due to rewrites, but dammit, at this point, IDGAFF, I’m sick of looking at it.

Once we passed that hurdle, Todd and Sam began decorating pumpkins. Of course Sam made a pumpkin in Todd’s likeness. They are, of course, new BFFL’S!!!! Blair decided to continue taking Sam trick or treating, to which Sam wanted Uncle Todd to tag along. And of COURSE, Todd jumped up and was eager to go with them!!!! Blair was squeeing inside just as much as I was, she shouldn’t even try to front, I’m not the one to front with, hon, NOT THE ONE!!! As Sam left the room to get ready for spending more time with Mom and his Uncle, Blair thanked Todd for being so nice to Victor’s little boy. Then Todd looked at her all soft eyed and told her in a soft voice that Sam was her little boy too, right??? By then, the shorts were down her ankles, past the flip flops, and on the chandelier, but she had to leave the room before the panties dropped and went flying too. With a child in the house, it wasn’t the time to thank him the way she really wanted too. Like she so often did in the past. And if you know their history, YOU KNOW how she used to thank him! So she clutched onto that lifesaver like a church going woman clutching pearls while giving him the eyes, hoping he would eventually just consume her like the candy, and skedaddled out of the room to help Sam. Todd, meanwhile decided to check out the goods as that sugar bowl bounced away. I could already see him putting stamps all over that once he finally puts a ring on it.

In the meantime, he struggled with telling Blair how he felt and used pumpkins to help him along

Pumpkin A: I floated on a raft across the ocean to get to you. Broke out of a paramilitary institution, I think you owe me. Wanna make out?

Pumpkin B was a Shakespearean ode to Victor. Skipped. Necessity.

Pumpkin C: I love you, Blair. I always have. I want you back.

Then, he tried macking on Pumpkin C. But then bitch mama showed up and ruined everything. Needless to say, Todd almost lost it tossing a pumpkin at negative-nelly Bitch Mama, who soon disappeared, clamed up about his feelings, and made up some excuse about having plans. This secret is weighting pretty heavily on him, and frankly, it’s weighting heavily on the audience. Guess what? I think I can speak for a many of us when I say that we need to MOVE PAST THIS SHIT!!! The idea that Todd killed Victor is, in a word, bullshit. A) Because Victor’s most likely NOT EVEN DEAD and B) with only SO MANY MONTHS LEFT OF THE SHOW, we should be seeing more of Todd with his family and NOT with a dead woman who keeps him from telling the love of his life how he FEELS ABOUT HER and living his LIFE without thinking he KILLED THIS FOOL!!!! Ugh, I could continue ranting about this until the cows come home, but why bother???

So, that about sums up my recap for episode! If I missed anything, it probably wasn’t meant to be!


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Keliah's Commentary: Life After You 10/23

Damn! This was one long column! Sorry, son!

OMIGAWD Y’ALL! I have been MIA for at least the last two weeks! No, I was not in a drunken stupor, but I thanks ya for the concern, babes! A chick has been worn out like crazy from work and OD’ing on twitter that I’ve had no time to properly get my thoughts together for the show as of late. So, jump aboard and we’ll recap Friday, the October 21st episode with a little talk from Thursday as well. You know, the one where Tomas the “good man” let his guard down and admitted to Blair that he was all up in love with her and shit. Totes romantic, only not at all. Yeah, THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE! RME, let’s get this party started, YO!

First things first. Guess who doesn’t give a damn about STAGIGI! Hell yeah, that’s me! Either stay in the coma or wake up, but for heavens sake SHADDUP! I love how she doesn’t know much of anything, least of all her own name, yet, she can easily use a laptop and can spell "Morasco" like she saw it in her sleep, no hesitation whatsoever, y’all. Must be nice to know nothing and everything in the midst of being knocked out every five minutes because we can’t stop the screech-beech party of one.

What the hell is Rex still doing in that BE office? Better yet, when in THA HELL was he ever in the office before he suddenly decided to move out of it? Oh that’s right, he was not, YO! He was too busy chasing strippers and ghosts all over creation while his kid was stealing guns and clocking people in the head, but not killing them. I swear he’s been moving out of that office for days now. Yeah, don’t care. And I care even less about involving Aubrey in his nonsense. TRUTH: I am a Terri Conn fan. I watched her on ATWT and I loved her as Katie Peretti, even though she cried in just about every episode until the very last one when the world stopped turning. No, seriously, girlfriend could’ve sold water from all the tears she shed over the years. But frankly, Aubrey is no longer needed in Llanview. Joey left her ass high and dry and the moment he skipped town with Kelly, she should’ve BEEN GONE TOO! Sorry, it’s just the way it is. Again, I love Terri, she’s beautiful and I think she is a good actress. But Aubs ain’t needed, yo, and she DEFS ain’t needed to be all up in Rex’s grill.

We ALREADY KNOW WHAT IS GOING DOWN HERE, FOLKS! STAGIGI is gonna get outta that bed any day now, barefoot and gown wearin’, and make her way back to Llanview and her “man” and “kid”. Frankly, if she’s not Gigi once all is said and done (should’ve been DONE before it even started, but I digress), I must ask, who in the flyin gives a fluck, yo??? Who liked Stacy when she was alive? Not following here, RC. Not following, son. Sorry. WTF did you kill off Gigi in the first place? For shits and giggles? Nobody's giggling, here. No one. Again, not following the logic. Is there logic? Dunno. I’m starting to wonder if I need a dunce cap to understand certain going’s on in LV.

Ayyyyy, yo! Starr’s the new Britney Spears! Oops, I did it again! Waitin’ on the day she finally shaves all that pretty blond hair from that head o’ hers and takes the sharp end of an umbrella to the car of an obnoxious pap. Like the one who suggested that she was molested as a child?!?!??! Excuse my language, but what in the fuckity-fuck-fuck? Not only was that unnecessary, but it was probably one of the most disgusting and tasteless lines I think I’ve ever heard on this show. I totally GET that paps are ruthless which was most likely the point, and I loved like no other when Starr went Manning on his ass and kneed him in the balls and rightfully so, but that was totally over the line. I missed it when I watched the first time and frankly, I’m glad I did. Oh, and for the record, I watch TMZ on a nightly basis (DON’T JUDGE MY OBSESSION WITH CELEBRITIES, SON!), paparazzi are NOT supposed to be all up in your space like that when you are on private property. They are NOT allowed to come to the FRONT DOOR of your damn house! They hang out on curbs, they lurk in bushes and talk to themselves about what footage they’re getting, and they sit in their cars down the street and wait for you to make your daily run to the nearest liquor store or baby mama house, but they don’t go up to your door and start taking pictures of you trying to get into your home. It wasn’t like she was standing outside of a courthouse, which IS public property! I mean, really, it’s the little things that are missed here, and that was minor as hell, but it also bugged the crap outta me, so you’re going to hear about it! So that douchebag taking her keys, the same one who suggested she was molested??? Yeah, that shit just doesn’t happen and she should’ve kneed him again on principal alone. He would’ve been sued up the ass if that were real.

Yo, yo, yo, son, am I the only one who busted a gut when Tea was all, "Tomas, bruh, are you sure you’re willing to go to jail for a crime you didn’t commit? I mean, yeah, so you dumped your family before, you walked away from me and Daniella and your son and wife, which is totes cool and all. We all good in the hood now. But now, NOW, NOW, you’re with the one woman who’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard! WTF, dude, are you sure you are willing to LEAVE Ms. Blond Goodies?!?!?!?” Yeah, that about sent me into a laughing coma, if only because the line was in and of itself laughable, and a way to pimp this poorly contrived and constructed triangle. Oh, oh, oh! And he’s totes in love with Ms. Goodies too. Okay, so yeah, Blair’s hot like fire, so I’d probably fall to her feet and do anything she asked me to do as well. Admittedly, she’s just got it like that, I cannot lie. So I can’t blame him on that. But DUDE is the reason Todd was snatched away from her and had his brain fried for 8 years. Yeah, don’t feel too sorry for Tomas right about now, nor do I give a damn about his martyrdom in taking the wrap for killing Irene. Thank God I really like Ted King, cause Tomas is just a big no. Not, at all, son. Not ATALL!

Listen show, if you want me to believe that “Delgado” as Todd called him Friday, is a good guy, making him the reason that MY TODD WASN’T AROUND FOR 8 YEARS???? Yeah, not such a smart move. Now he’s being whitewashed to the extreme, and I’m STILL NOT BUYING IT! The fact that he ripped Blair’s picture from Todd’s hands (TRUTH: Blair is always the last person on Todd’s mind when he thinks he’s about to die), and then stared at that picture for 8 years and then painted that picture and fell in lust with it over that time just makes him sound like an out and out total creepster who I wouldn’t want near me with a 20 foot pole. Double the length, double the assurance. Say what you will about Todd, but at least he actually GOT SOME from Blair before he was always at her front door and calling her thanking her for “Christmas Presents”. Wink. Wink.

Also of note, the fact that Blair is written as some fickle teenager to pimp this shit bugs me to no end. She knows she loves Todd. WE know she loves Todd, so this spiel to Tomas “I guess, I never even mattered to you, did I?”. No Blair, I think you mattered a little bit too much, that’s been proven. He hasn’t gotten any and he’s already claiming love. Yeah, most dudes who actually GET some have a hard time saying it. He would’ve been talking to my hand months ago. But more of that later…

Random Question, nothing to do with Friday, but anyone want to tell me why the hell Nate is still on the show? Yeah, he serves no purpose, never did, and all the random pop ups make me leave the room. I’ll take James over him any day of the week, thanks. Speaking of which, what an awesome boyfriend James is. He went to visit Starr in jail, he was there to help her with the paps and was taking care of her daughter. We should all be so lucky to have a man taking care of US for once! He was also ready to pepper spray someone for her! Send him a basket of goodie’s, yo! Just not Blair’s, this ain’t Bold and Beautiful!

Tomas was talking and trying to out martyr himself. And I was all…. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz NEXT!

Rick wants to work with Starr on her music career… yeah, no. I’m not interested in seeing Starr shake it like a salt shaker in a music video with anyone about anything. Keep doing you, going to school and taking care of your baby. Cause G-Ma Goodies will have her hands full with G-Pap Todd pretty damn soon. They have 8 years to, ahem, catch up on and reconnect in every way imaginable. Yeah, I totally went there. DEAL!

Speaking of G-Ma, G-Pap, goodies, and milkshakes…

Look at the pretty! LOOK AT IT! And they have matching hair color, they do!

Admittedly, I was more than prepared to be pissed about the Todd and Blair scenes. Why you ask? Well, because, I never know how the writing is going to go. Since the show is so janky lately, it’s hard to tell what was taped when and if certain scenes will add up and make sense later. Todd and Blair hadn’t spoken since the cabin scenes, even though they had seen each other in the police station. But, I’m gathering that it’s only been about 3 or 4 soap days since the cabin? 5 at best? Yeah, look how well Todd’s arm is doing now! Blair was a miracle worker, he didn’t even need a real doctor, son! He’s moving and shaking around town like a money maker!

Anywho, I was pleasantly surprised by the scenes. I felt both parties gave valid arguments. I also admittedly LOVE that when Blair said the he was just like Victor, Todd looked both hurt and angry. Then got up in Blair’s face and told her it was the last time she would compare him to Victor. Now, maybe everyone else can get away with whitewashing Victor’s crimes or saying that certain things weren’t his fault and blah, blah, blah, even if I saw the shit he did with my own two eyes. Maybe everyone else can say Vic was hot in bed or that they started to feel sorry for him when they absolutely shouldn’t have, or that everything he did was because he was programmed to be like Todd, but NOT BLAIR! Aside from the fact that Victor was an ass to her more often than not for the better part of their years, she's not whitewashing his crimes. And chick has One True Babe status and Todd Manning won’t let that fly with her, not even. And she knew it. She knew the button to push to get him to react, and react he did.

It was the way in. Blair was trying to appeal to the good in Todd in not letting someone else take the fall for killing his mother, which is exactly what Victor would have done and DID do in the case of the Jack/Gigi ordeal: letting someone else pay for his crime. Yes, bitch mama needed to die, and yes, Tomas is the jackass who kept Todd from his family. HOWEVER, Tomas deserves to be struck by a clusterfuck of natural circumstances: i.e., karma that comes in the form of something larger and more significant than this. Going down for something he didn’t commit, again, doesn’t fly with me. It doesn’t make him a better person or a better man for doing so. He’s trying to appeal to his guilt for what he did to Todd, and has so much as admitted so to anyone who will listen. Yeah, I’m not feeling that. Blair was right, Todd needed to come clean, if only for the sake of his own good conscience. Otherwise, just as she told their son about lying in regards to claiming that he saw Todd the night of Victor’s death when he knew he didn’t, it would eat him up inside. That's one of many differences between Todd and Vic Jr. But... I digress.

Now, where she was wrong was calling Tomas a good man. He isn’t. Plain and simple, he’s not a good man. Don’t show me otherwise and then force me to believe something that isn’t happening. Yeah, it doesn’t really work like that. I don’t blame Blair for that line, I blame the writing. And I blame the writing because no one, NO ONE, not just Blair, has been able to call him on this foolishness! Not Tea, not Dani, not Starr, not ANYONE! Except for Baz, who is now gone. Frankly, that’s all he was good for, calling his dad on his bullshit and lies. It’s absolutely ridiculous! If you want a character to be naturally root worthy, even when they are as loathsome as loathsome can be, then they need to own up to their shit and not have other folks excuse their heinous and crappy behavior. In other words, if Tomas wanted me to give a damn about him despite the shit he’s done, then he should’ve enrolled himself in the School of Todd Manning, the RH edition. As of right now, yeah, don’t give a shit. I got 99 problems and Tomas is one!

Todd was right in telling Blair that Tomas was the reason he was locked up and straight up, that he is NOT A GOOD MAN! Thank you, TODD! You speak for the audience. Tomas is indeed the reason Todd lost 8 years of his life and was sent to bitch mama and was forced to live in a cage while his now whitewashed brother was living it up in his place. Blair is truly sympathetic to Todd’s situation, she so much as pointed out to Tea what Todd had been through a few months back. But in truth, in that moment with Todd in the hall of the courthouse, she was not making appeals to him for Tomas’s sake. She was making appeals for Todd. What I saw was her wanting him to prove to her, and to himself if I may, that he had changed. That he had become someone who could admit his wrong doings upfront. Notice how she never once thought to rat him out....

Todd didn’t want to confess to Irene’s murder because he thought if he did, he would lose everything he had fought to come home too… everything. Then he took Blair’s hand, y’all! And Blair didn’t let go, and he didn’t let go, and he just stared at their hands as she talked. And I just Sa-WOOONNNNNEEEEEEDDDD! like a teenager in love for the first time! Just call me Bella Swan! Todd and Blair are my sparkling Edward’s in one, yo! So, I pretty much need them to make out like teenagers soon. It’s been 8 years for everyone. They haven’t kissed since August and we all know they’re jonesing to do just that and then some. But we have to start somewhere. I think a heavy makeout session against a door or wall is needed. Those people are way too good looking to just keep making eyes at each other and holding hands. It’s torturous foreplay for the audience, so I could only imagine THA HELL they are going through right about now.

Ayyyye, so bitch mama returned to try and tell Todd that he shouldn’t listen to Blair. In short, he shoved bitch mama aside and listened to Blair and burst into that courtroom looking hot as hell and in turn, BURST Tomas’s bubble of martyrdom! AHAHAHAHA! Nice. Todd confessed to killing Irene, then we were once again treated to a fake flashback of him possibly killing Victor and him on the verge of speaking it, but…. Yeah, no, sorry. He won’t say a thing come Monday and no matter how many times I have to see that flashback, I’m still not buying it. Todd didn’t kill Victor, his mother is making him think that cause she’s evil. Most likely, he’s not even dead, or Irene did it herself. So you can keep shoving that flashback in my face, show, but I STILL WONT BELIEVE IT! In the meantime, I need Todd to admit that he eventually spoke up because of Blair. My life will be as complete as it never was before, yo!

So that’s all I got for Friday, y’all. Until next time, mai darlin’s! If I forgot something in this column, it probably wasn’t meant to be!!!

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Keliah's Commentary 10/11/11 - Everybody's Changing

ZOMG Y’ALL!!! PARTY TIME!! RAISE YOUR GLASS! We have officially SURPASSED 100K views!!! It's like New Years, except no drunk people. Well, unless you count me, I'm drunk 99.9% of the time, yo! Pinot to the Grigio! Anyway, you people must really love you some Todd and Roger like I do. Eh, no you don’t, I love him more and always will! I, for one, am loving the new digs of TRTM Blog! It’s beauts, yo!!! Totally beauts!!! As in, beautiful! Le chic, indeed! Makes me want to take off mai shoes, cause I don't want to disturb the decor!

It’s amazing that the blog is only one year old and has had this many views in such a short amount of time. I don’t think most blogs around the net get that many in two or more years. But we’re exceptional here, ya’ll. We are the bomb diggity! We give you info that you can’t find anywhere else. Okay, maybe you can find it somewhere else, but IT WILL NOT COMPARE TO TRTM Blog! We are the head bitches in charge here, yo. We represent like mo fo's with head nods and bumping speakers. You must wipe of your shoes before you step into this house…

Now that that is settled, I thought I’d take a different approach today and talk a little about what it takes to get some of the posts finished for you guys to read. Our resident Queen, Kim, is pretty much a master at keeping the blog organized and completely beautified! If I was running the place … well, lets just say if the blog were a home for you to invade, it would be located somewhere near HookerVille and HoeVine, and you’d have to wear shoes to your knees, socks to your throat, and don a hazmat suit and hardhat just to peek inside. In other words, it wouldn’t be nearly as pretty and proper to look at or visit.

When Kim first asked me to be part of the blog family to pen recaps for the show, I will readily admit that I was intimidated, yet honored. That she thought much of my tumblr posts in regards to various episodes and characters of the show, to even ask me, was a thrill and surprise. I honestly didn’t think anyone cared enough to read what I had to say, let alone that they would want me to contribute to their masterpiece! I was not only thrilled and honored because I admire her and her hard work, but because I look up to her and value her opinion, a lot. She may not know that, but it’s true.

So given that she was fond of what I had to say, even when it was cray-cray to the max and I was half sauced when typing it up, I jumped at the chance to be part of her “family” here, and I’m loving every minute of it. It’s not easy to get these posts out on time, especially when I’ve set my own deadline, between work, and, well, sleeping and drinking as I catch on old YT clips, but I try to do the best I can for Kim and everyone else who comes here to read my contribution to this AWESOME blog! It takes me at least two hours, at most when sober, to complete a post for one episode. One hour to rewatch and then another to gather my thoughts, look through my notes, and compose enough of my gibberish to make sense for someone who is in fact not me and not blacked out. I have yet to actually drunk post an episode, but I’m quite sure that if it ever happens, you will know it when you see it. And you will LOVE IT, I already know! In fact, I might do one for shits and giggles within the coming week. Work’s been rough and we could all use a good laugh at me.

Once I do a little editing and picture adding, I save the post, hope to hell Kim loves it, and it's up and ready to read within a few minutes at best! Pretty simple, for the most part, and frankly, it's worth it! I enjoy writing in general and love writing about OLTL and the various characters!

Believe it or not, that is pretty much it! I am often rewarded in praises of perfection, kisses, pats on the head, and bottles of champagne sent to my house via UPS. The latter is always accepted.

I sincerely hope that those who come to the blog enjoy my postings as much as I love writing them, as well as the other hardworking contributions made here by the entire TRTM family!! And I hope that you keep coming back and tell your friends, tell your lovers, tell your family, tell everyone about this place! We’re cool peeps and we like talking to other Roger and Todd fans! In the meantime, drink a glass of wine for me. I cannot afford a bottle of the Red this weekend. ::sad face::

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Keliah's Commentary: They had me at VERKLEMPT! yo! 10/7/11

This last week of OLTL had me swoonin’, for serious, yo! Love was in the air, everywhere I looked around. Friday’s, October 7 episode had Todd and Blair flashbacks. From Rodi’s to the Park Bench, to the, ahem, Stables, and that famous fairytale wedding. By the end of the show, I faded to black and passed out….

Then I awoke with blind anger and a fist aiming toward the TV. Wanna know why? Proceed ahead with caution, ya’ll!

First things first… CORD AND TINA ALMOST KISSED in the middle of Llanfair, YA’LL! Hot stuff! THEY WERE RIGHT THERE, YA’LL! Right. THURRR! Right THURRR! Her hand was on his face, she was asking for it, he had leaned in, willing to give it up like a two dollar hoe down the street for a taste of that spicy red headed vixen he still loves with all his southern heart, and it was all too much for my lil heart to take! But I was willing to squeal like a Belieber in lust for the very first time if they had given into their well heated passion! WHITE HOT! Then it was like someone yanked my happy chain and snapped me back to reality! I fell head first to the floor the moment Clint walked in with a big grin on his face and performed the infamous Llanview CockBlock, hands in pockets and ALL, ya'll! He was all too happy to keep his son from kissing his soulmate, er, love of his life… er, er, baby mama, right, right, that’ll work!

They tried to play it off like no big thing. As if Cord wasn’t trying to get at THAT and as if TINA wasn’t willing him with her eyes, lips, and voice! What the hell ever CorINA! What the hell Ev.ER! And yes, I just made a name for them! The 80s didn’t give supercouples squish names, but this is 2011, so they need to adapt to the times. Deal, yo! Just deal!

Clint doesn’t want Cord with Tina again, but Cord’s feelings for his baby mama are messy and complicated. Aren’t those the best feelings on soaps??? Usually means those folks get messy and complicated in bed. Okay, okay, so I’m a bit of a tramp and my mind goes to the lowest gutter in Llanview. SUE ME YA’LL! I’m digging up Sam’s body as we speak to represent me against Shark Delgado! Her plate’s full, what with repping StarrMiniMamaJamaWithHerGunWeildingSelf and Brother Tomas who claims to have killed Irene, for only reasons HE knows… hmm. Inquiring minds. Anywho, Cord told his daddy that his relationship with VixenTina was really no different than Big Daddy Clint’s relationship with Viki. To which, of course, Big Daddy denied. Whatev’s, yo. We already know that no one will ever replace Viki in that silver fox’s new heart o' his. It’s just the name of the game, son. Me thinks thou doth protest too damn much! Where’s that blue robe, cigar, and glass of cognac when Clint needs it???

The Vixen in question went to see Sister Viki at The Banner to ask if she was willing to help put out a lost ad for Princess David Vickers. Her twitter followers missed her. And of course, Vik’s was all, hell to the NAW, chick! you didn’t do anything to help my daughter! and Tina was all, why do Todd and Victor get free passes when they screw over you or your kids and I get bitched at??? What gives, yo??? and Vik was all, oh, yeah, okay, well, you got me there, girl, maybe you’re right, and then they hugged like sisters do and vowed to try and start over the moment the pup returned!

Jack is running The Sun. Someone tell me what the hell planet we’re on that THIS is allowed to happen??? Planet ZOLOFT??? Cause I def’s need some pills! I gather he can read, right? Blair says the boy makes good grades, and I only have her word to go on. Though, I suggest he add more words to his terrible vocab. Scarface is getting old, and much like Starr the other day, I was about ready to jack his ass up if he kept using it. One good thing about him going to taunt his sister? She called him out on being a liar, liar Armani Jacket on fire, because he opened his big mouth just a little bit too big this time and started bragging about the wrong thing. Jack needs another smack upside the head, but it seems to do him no favors. He has pretty hair, he can live off of that for awhile, I suppose.

Aye, yo! Where did Starr get her new threads and polish???

Ya’ll… what can I say about Ford and Jess? He’s hot, she’s pretty, and they went half on a baby. Okay, that’s all I got for them!

Oh wait, no I don’t, there’s more! Ford and Jess are new besties, so she told him that John is really Liam’s daddy. And GUESS WHAT, YO??? LIAM knows too! Liam knows who his daddy is before his own daddy knows, and GUESS WHO SPILLED THE PURINA to his Binky??? Princess David Vickers, aka, The For Serious Head Bitch in Charge, yo, before she returned to Tina o' course! She knows all. She sees all. Sniffs and hears all! And… she talks, bitches!!! She and Liam had a cute lil convo ala Look Who’s Talkin’. I love me some babies and some puppies. Put them together and rainbows and lollipops jump out of my television set!

What the hell else happened in Llanview on Friday???

Oh, right… THIS, shit here, ya’ll!!!!

Lordy, if that man looked at me and touched my hair like that, damn that shot up arm of his! I’d bolt the door to the cabin, STAT and in the words of Olivia Newton John, get physical… physical! Let me hear your body talk! Todd’s shirt was already half open and correct me if I’m wrong, he lost another button or two as the show went on. Apparently… his body was talking to Blair. Don’t believe me?

Rowl! Come hither, kitten!

As Todd and Blair took a stroll down memory lane, they talked about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the Stables. In the beginning when Blair smacked the HELL outta Todd to wake him up, as he had passed out in the previous episode, he awoke making the funniest “ouch” sound I think I’ve ever heard. Man or beast? I'll take both, thanks! Then when Blair just fell all over him after, I'm quite sure copping a feel in the process (psh, can you blame her, yo?), I could feel her happiness and relief in my bones! She couldn’t bear to lose him again! Hear her say “you don’t get to do this to ME, not again!!!” Yeah, not all of those 8 years without you were so “peachy” for her, Todd. Not SO, YO!

Why did I find it hot when she just lifted his head and put a towel behind his neck? :-/ They do unspeakable shit to me, ya’ll… lets hope they do the same to each other soon. What??? Don’t act like you’re not thinking it!!!

Anywho, this led to Todd thinking that if Blair just let him nod off, she would finally be rid of him. Blair was all, what the hell ever, yo, I’ve never been able to get away from your sexy ass, gorgeous eyes, masculine voice, and my matching hair style since that night we met in Rodi’s when they played that stupid Louie Armstrong song…

Hold the fudge, Blair. You know damn good and WELL that song was Nat King Cole! You sang it to Todd! But cha know what??? Imma let that one go, let it slide like an egg from a skillet since TODD remembered it, as well as every little bit from your epic history, which led into that hair touch I pointed out above! Le sigh! Le swoon! Le Freak! C'est Chic! Like I said, they’s be havin me swoonin, yo! When he asked her how she could forget something like that??? The way he said the word and looked at her??? I died, yo! Dead! A chick was ready for her coffin near the ribbon in the sky for their love!!! That meeting was the beginning of a whirlwind ride of a lifetime! Todd clearly proved that he was right via flashback, and Blair let him win that one, even though she couldn’t see it for herself, just so he could touch her hair. Totes understand!!! Just me, or do they look so young again when they are in each other’s presence??? Loves!

Next up, we had Blair racing across the room near the fireplace cause she wasn’t hot enough after Todd touched her hair. No doubt her knickers got in a twist from his big, sweaty hand. Then we had the park bench memory and it was the first time Blair realized she wasn’t alone in the world. We all say, awwww, son! Course Todd said he thought a lot about that night. Le, duh!!! MOST PATHETIC CONTEST!!! So in character, he often brought up that night in the past. I distinctly remember him bringing it up when he and Blair were handcuffed (courtesy of Todd himself), and then during his vows at their, what was it, third wedding??? Clearly, he likes it so much that he continues to put a ring on it, but inevitably, I lose count.

Anyway, Todd thought he got a bum rap that night, and stated that Blair was clearly more pathetic for being all moony over one Max Holden. Blair told him, whatever yo! You’s best at the self loathing, so you were right to win that night, and Todd was all, hell no, babe, I’m best at Stable sex, ring any bells??? Rang yours that night a few times. Blair blushed like a schoolgirl and happily agreed. As did Todd… like a naughty boy behind the bleachers. Tsk! Tsk!

Then we got into talk about Starr and Todd’s holding her for the first time (she is truly the light of his life, ya’ll, fo sho, fo sho!) which continued to trample over into the lies and babies category. Lies about babies, mostly. Blair lied about being pregnant to get her hands on Todd’s money, which flashed back to highwater pants and a wedding on a beach.

Blair: How do you feel?

Todd: Same. Only, weirder.

And Todd lied to Blair and told her her baby was dead, which flashed to gold earrings and short matching do’s. DAMN! Those were some rough times. I remember KDP’s performance during live week when she confronted Todd about the dead baby lie, of having given away Jack believing him to be a mini Max Holden. I cried just watching the flashback with Kassie and her tears ya’ll (of which she was robbed, ROBBED I tell you, of an EMMY that year!). I’m made of snickers and goo… Todd acknowledged it was the worst thing he had ever done to Blair. Thank God they didn’t gloss over that, because that baby is now a young man, and he is on the verge of having his head cracked by me on the daily. So, with that flashback, I admittedly felt something bad for the kid… it wont last, though, because there’s always Manic Monday.

Then… we had Blair get all up in Todd’s space as she put that towel behind his neck again, I’m guessing to cool him off, cause he was still sweating like he’d run a mini marathon. She asked how he was feeling, he said peachy, his new favorite word. I’m starting to think that’s a code word for something else. YOU KNOW! Anywho, she asked if he was tired and he said it wouldn’t matter because he’d have nightmares, then asked her if she told the kids stories like that when he was gone. Blair said their kids, like their parents, like horror stories, to which Todd countered that she could speak for herself cause he was a dude about fairytales and Gold Balloons, yo!!!

Insert: Gold Balloon flashback and thoughts of happy endings.

Blair thinks fairytales should have happy endings, Todd surmises that their fairytale isn’t over. They both lean in and… and… and!!!! They get so close, so close, they both had mints and tic tacs, brushed their teeth a few times just in case, they're ready, they're ready… so are we... and…

AND!!!!

BAM! M'effin FADE TO BLACK!!!!

Well kids, I fell back, I screamed, I cursed, and then I balled my fist and aimed for the television set. And then I sat back and attempted to rationalize the situation at hand. Didn’t work, so I ran to twitter and ranted!

As I said, there’s always Manic Monday! Though I fear another cockblock will be in order! :Makes Angry Red Face and curses under breath:

Hope ya’ll enjoyed my extensive recap!!! If I missed anything this go round, perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be!

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Keliah's Commentary: Total Eclipse of the Heart 10/5/11

Lordy, what a show, what a show for October 5. If OLTL does not win an Emmy for outstanding daytime drama next year, there is no justice in the world. Let’s discuss, shall we??? Proceed with caution…

First things first: Liam is just the most adorbs baby ever, no??? Those big brown eyes and cherubic cheeks just melt me each time I see him. What amazes me though is that Natalie never asks herself why tha HELL her kid has dark hair and brown eyes, why she has flaming red hair and blue eyes and why Brody is a blue eyed blond… How so, yo??? How so??? Granted, I’ve been out of college a few years, ergo my knowledge of all things science, though it SHOULD be up to par, is in fact not as it once was. But if I’m not mistaken, a Natalie + a Brody does NOT = a Liam, correct??? And yet, no one has asked themselves that question??? Maybe they’re too hypnotized by his cherubic beauty that they just don’t care. Totally. Understandable.

And of course Jessica isn’t telling what she knows. She wants Brody to be happy, so I totally appreciate her valid reason. At least it wasn’t something dumb or insipid. And I really liked their conversation and I really liked that I could feel the connection to Brody/Jess of yore…

SAM!!!!!!! SO CUTE! SO PRESH!!!! Just sitting at the counter having a midnight snack!!! LOVE!!! He’s so grown. His buddy John shows up and Sam is on duty as he should be! And did ya’ll peep his green jammies and house sneakers??? Fly yo! Very fly! He and John are so cute together, I loved when he gave him that gift. John looked so proud to be wearing it at the po-po station, ya’ll, I just wanted to jump through my TV and give him a bear hug. To balance it out, I’m going to need some Todd/Sam scenes, STAT. These two men and this kid have some charisma that is just unmatched on any other show I’ve seen in years, in the instance of adults heavily interacting with children his age.

Anyway, all was going so well till Jack the ruiner showed up. (No, “ruiner” is not an actual, definable word, but I’ve already forced it out, so… just deal with it.) But at least he was nice to Sam before he sent him off to bed and didn’t once again tell him that his SpideyBFF killed his dad. That wasn’t cool the first time around. I wanted to clock Jack upside the head something truly serious then! Then again, all the other hits didn't improve him. Hmm... At least today he wasn’t yelling like a maniac and was actually a bit more subdued in his scenes with both John and James. (That is saying something, TRUST!) I wonder if that was just from good direction??? Jill Mitwell, who directed today, deserves some major kudos for the blocking!

Speaking of James, he wants to help his girlfriend and by doing so, he lied to that smartass Jack to get him to confess that he was lying about having seen Todd kill Victor. Even James almost got the kid to crack, but that was of course thwarted by the damn news interruption. I mean seriously, the fuck??? I just need Jack to stop being such a giant douche and start talking about his real problems with Todd. It is about so much more than Victor, I am utterly convinced. Everyone should be by now. I just need Jack to say this aloud and to his dad. Here’s hoping that Scott Sickles, who I’ve been told penned the show today, will continue to do so much more often than not. Perhaps with the online version as well??? I really loved what he penned today. I mean, really. I was energetic about the entire show and it’s cohesiveness and I did not feel bored or FF one thing. Beautiful. Okay, getting off track. Anyway, I can roll with James trying to help Starr. Totally. Dude is trying to be a bit of a badass like his girlfriend who’s currently sitting behind bars for holding up two po-po in what appears to be her current cell, which once belonged to Daddy... Very "Adam's Family Values". I get that Starr is a mommie and has other responsibilities like taking care of her child, but I admit, I love her in ‘don’t fluck with me or my family’ mode. THIS is the girl I remember. James will love her more for it, I'm sure, if he takes the time to get to know her. She might be able to teach him a thing or two.

Anyway, was I like, the ONLY one who kept thinking Red Lobster when I saw James’s shirt, instead of Red Lion, or whatever??? Yes??? Hmm. Perhaps I was just hungry earlier.

Natalie and Jessica continue to be civil since the big fat Buch Twin Hoe-Down/Throw-Down of 2011. I admit, that is always appreciated. John and Natalie are still so in love with each other, it’s almost painful to continue watching them pretend as if they don’t care about each other while longing for one another in the other's presence. When Natalie said that she had to get home to Brody and Liam, her family, there was a look on John’s face that screamed, at least to me anyway, “I wish that could’ve been me…it should've been us...” I need them back together, like, NOW! I’ve seen people say they see chemistry with John and Tea. I don’t see it. But I DO see chemistry between Tea and… and… Tomas. Like, that inappropriate chemistry that people who play siblings or relatives onscreen shouldn’t have. But I’m just going to fanwank it. How about we just un-Delgado him and pretend that this whole brother/sister thing was just in name only, and they are not blood related??? I mean, hey, it worked for Tina and David, for awhile… anyway.

And now… for the portion of the show that left me totally verklempt. Totally and utterly verklempt, I tell you!

BLAIR FOUND TODD IN THE CABIN AND THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD, YA’LL! She panicked. She freaked. She cried. She checked for his pulse. She couldn't find one. She lay her head on his chest. She touched his hair. She stroked his face. He opened his eyes. Something about Blair’s touch always seems to send a jolt through him and he rises from the dead each and every single time, like a phoenix from the ashes, right on cue. Remember when Marty and Todd’s plane went down? And Todd had passed out, and Marty was trying to wake him up? She couldn’t, but the moment Blair had gotten to him, all she had to do was touch his face, and his eyes opened for her. Of course, he had to touch her face to make sure that she was real and in front of him… that’s just how they roll, ya’ll. BIG PIMPIN! Anywho…

Ya’ll, was it wrong that I burst out laughing when Blair accidentally slapped the pillow that she had placed on Todd's chest to stop the bleeding??? I think that was a total accident by KDP and RH just rolled with it. That portion of the scene was very well played, especially since I don’t think it was scripted in the least. I think she even covered her face because she laughed or was about to laugh!

And then Blair just had to ask why he called her and not someone else. And I was ready to snark and sneer and get upset at whatever dialog that was going to be penned for them because I thought, 'I’m just not that lucky'. And then Todd said, “Cause you’re the one, Blair… you’re the one…” And then, I just about died from the unbelievably of what I was actually hearing and watching. And then I was thinking, 'okay, yes, that’s good. Very, very good. We’re getting something here. We’re getting something significant… so clearly, it’s bound to go downhill'… and then… AND THEN?!??!?!?? This shit happened…

Blair: Todd, we’ve gotta take your shirt off.

Todd: You first.

Blair: Come on.

Todd. Just sayin… missed you. Don’t see you for 8 years. This is not exactly how I pictured a reunion.

Blair: Me either… me either…

Ahem. Lordy. They've each thought about the reunion, obviously. Todd was flirting quite nicely. I could go 2 million ways with what I think they pictured the reunion being like. Ahem. Didn’t involve GSWs and pounds of blood, though it did require some physical activity, so either way, the sweat was going to happen. Oh please, DON’T ACT LIKE YOU WEREN’T THINKING IT! Ahem. Anyway, by then, I was already spent. And then… This shit happened:

You sliced me open... who knows what you did to my insides. Oh, you already know Todd. You. Already. Know. Catch that double meaning??? Mmm-hmm.

Before that moment, I quickly remembered why I couldn’t, nor wouldn’t ever jump ship with these two. Why RH and KDP are natural in their element with one another, and why they are just phenoms with acting chops and chemistry to rival any SUPERcouple out there. I must admit, as a Sonny/Brenda (GH) fan who felt that the thrill was gone before they even hit the sheets, today’s Todd and Blair scenes proved to me that all hope was not lost for the Golden Era SUPERcouples, especially when done right. You can, indeed, go home again… and should. To Todd, that home is with Blair. That home, that life, IS Blair. She is his wife. His life. His partner in crime. His soulmate. Moments after Blair removed the bullet from Todd’s shoulder (WITH DORIAN’S HELP, YALL! We really need her back, PRONTO!), Todd took her hand as she pulled away from him, slightly whimpered, and moved her hand over his heart, begging her in that strained voice not to leave. And in that moment, I was done for. These two had totally exhausted me emotionally, and I am so ever grateful for it. Blair came up with every excuse imaginable to get out of there for fear of the inevitable, letting her entire guard down with this man she has loved and lost over time spanning nearly two decades, knowing she would never leave him anyway despite it all, and if she did walk out the door, she wouldn’t get far. Say, past the front porch. And he came up with every excuse he could think of to keep her there with him.

Todd: I just don’t want you to leave…

Blair: Okay. I’ll stay…

The look in his eyes just sold it. And with that, Blair was pulled right back in like a moth to a burgeoning flame. And dammit, be honest with yourself. So. Were. You. THIS is Todd and Blair at their best. The writing, the acting, the scene direction, everything was perfect. Dare I say these scenes were better than the epic kiss at the premiere??? Every time I think T&B can’t surprise me and make me love them even more than I already do, they go above and beyond my expectations. I also think that their reconnecting is on another level this time. I don’t know what it is, but much like Roger and Kassie, their connecting has deepened in a way that I’m sure only they can explain. And dammit, if Roger and Kassie don’t have bodies that rival people half their age… like me. I think it’s about time I got KDP on speed dial and asked her a few questions like… how in the HELL do you have a better body than anyone I know in real life???

I think it’s time Todd and Blair hand over the most pathetic award to moi, you think??? I think I’ve officially earned it.

Hope ya’ll enjoyed my recap! If I missed anything, this time in particular, doesn’t mean it wasn’t meant to be… just means I’m too drained from Todd and Blair to remember. Do what I do best and just blame them and their awesomeness.


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Keliah's Commentary, 9/30 - A Day Late, and a Dollar Shot…

Hey ya’ll. This discussion will cover the Sept 30th episode of OLTL … A lot happened in one episode and I talk about 98% of it. Proceed with Caution…

First up, what in the hell is up with Jessica only having a black eye as a result of that fight??? If I recall, Natalie was on top of Jessica, either smacking or slamming her head into the ground, and when Brody showed up, he had to pull his current Lady Love off of his former fiancée/wannabe baby mama who goes from Cuckoo to Cocoa Cocoa Puffs in the blink of an eye whenever times get ROUGH!

And Natalie was the one in the neck brace??? What.Ever. Natalie is from the streets. Girlfriend is totally gangsta, we all know this from her growing up with Roxy Balsom. She would’ve totally had all that pretty blond hair of Jess’s wrapped around her fist in a hot second with Jessica’s body swinging around her head like a jump rope… what a coincidence that Jess was double dutching just the other day, yo!

But more than all of that, how in the HELL did they keep those shoes on during all of that tussling??? Nobody broke a heel or a strap or twisted an ankle!

Cord: Some people you can never get over.

Enter… TINA!!!! The look on their faces as they saw each other was a thing of beauty. Still so much love there. Just like any SUPERcouple, they fight just as hard as they love. When Cord thought that Tina was talking about David Vickers the person and not the dog, he got pissed. LOVED IT! Dude knows he still deeply in LURVE! And when Tina hugged him after he tried looking for her dog, ahhhhh, the look on their faces said it all. She was home and so was he. I want to be flower girl at their next wedding!

Though, yesterday on twitter, I was discussing the interesting relations between everyone who was there during Cord and Tina’s first of few verbal showdowns. Viki and Tina are sisters. Cord is Clint’s son. Cord was married to Tina. So… Cord basically married his step-aunt. AMIRIGHT??? I think so. Then again, I guess it was par for the course for Tina, who thought she was making it with a man claiming to be her brother… David Vickers, who turned out to be Cord’s cousin. So COMPLICATED, YO! But eh, who cares, I love it all the same!

I was going to Sa-NAUPPPPPPPPPP on someone if they didn’t let that baby dog in the house! I would’ve never, ever, ever, EVER forgiven RC if one little HAIR had been singed on that dog’s body! She was barking her head off and NO ONE HEARD ANYTHING! I was reminded by a friend on twitter yesterday that the same thing happened when Todd and Vic and Agent Baker were outside the house and Todd was shouting with that booming voice of his, and yet NO ONE HEARD A THING! I’m guessing the house is just sound proof. That can’t be safe. Anyway, I love me some pooch David Vickers! She is too precious, I want to bring her home and dazzle her in doggie jewels, feed her from a pink bowl and carry her around wherever I go as if my shit don’t stink and I have money to blow on things like cars and clothes and cigarettes and boos! Though, I don’t think my current pup would like that too much, he’d just have to deal with it anyway! David Vickers is a total bomb sniffer! I’d say she just gave Lassie a run for her money warning them about the danger, danger, DANGER that lurked outside the house!!!! Loved when Bo showed up to the house, looking just as pissed as ever having to arrest Todd again, like old times… yet, he never saw the dog.

Everyone was trying to cover for Todd, except Jack of course, who was ready to sell his sister down the river too. I get headaches when I talk about how much Jack pisses me off, even if I know why he’s such a jackass, so I think I’ll skip it, for now. But ZOMG! Am I the only one who notices that when Blair is lying for Todd, she always touches her face??? She did it when talking to Bo and I wondered if anyone was going to pick up on it. Such a smart acting choice by KDP, I notice it more often than not.

BTW, what kind of car does Starr have??? The one that Jack was all ready to give the license plate… will not discuss!!! Anyway, she looks like she’d have a Beemer or something. Some sort of red sports car. Or maybe pink, as that was her favorite color as a child.

Ya’ll, rewinding a bit, has anyone told Natalie and Brody that they’re staying at Rex’s old loft??? Whatevs. Did you peep Natalie drinking from Liam’s sippy cup??? Hi-LARIOUS! That said, I hope that Viki can get through to her daughters. Granted, the fights are funny as hell, but eventually, enough is enough! They’re mothers. Act like it.

Just me or does Cord’s southern accent come out more and more when he’s arguing with Tina??? I felt like I was watching a clip from Gone With the Wind as Rhett was going off on Scarlett… Loved it! He’s still so handsome.

Now, onto more important matters:

IRENE KILLED LOUIE, YA’LL!!!! What a bitch to the extreme! Here’s hoping that it’s not true, because I am bound to cut a trick if I learn that she’s really got Louie sleeping with the LV fishes. Todd was so heartbroken that his new BFF was quite possibly killed by his own mother. A man that showed him kindness, saved his life by pulling him out of the water, while his own mother tortured him and tried frying his brain for 8 years… it broke my heart.

Speaking of Todd, he has some big hands, yo. That ring couldn’t even fit on his finger. Notice which finger he put that ring on too??? Clever, clever, you naughty, naughty boy. (FYI: I’m only excusing him not wearing a bullet proof vest or having any protection while going to see her because, A) he is clearly willing to sacrifice himself for his family and B) there is a chance he could be without clothes for a few days next week. Any opportunity to get Todd without a stitch of clothing, I will find excuses for. DEAL, yo. Just DEAL!)

He had some really good zingers as he went back and forth with Mommie Dearest too. Like this little gem:

“You son of a bitch,” she said.

“Well said,” he retorted.

And did you see how batshit crazy she went when she thought he tossed that microchip into the water??? Swinging her hair back and forth like she was a reject in a Willow Smith video!

AND THEN, AND.THEN! the bitch did the unthinkable and SHOT MY TODD!!!! I screamed like a banshee in heat, YO! And I didn’t stop screaming until the commercials were over. My dog barked at me, thought I had lost what little mind I have left! I knew it was coming, KNEW it was coming, but when it happened, I just couldn’t contain myself. Right then and there, I wanted to go all gangsta like Natalie and beat her to a pulp until she couldn’t remember her own name!!! Luckily, he survived, of course, he’s like a phoenix after all. Or as some have called him on the message boards, a Water God… love it. But then the bitch had to tell him that she blew up his family.

So raise your glass if you’re hoping that come this time next week, piranha are feasting on her face.

Hope ya’ll enjoyed my recap!!! If I missed anything… it probably wasn’t meant to be!



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9/26 | Keliah's Qualms

Wow! The Sept 26. episode of OLTL was a callback to the classic, campy soap days of yore! Let’s dish!

First off, I will NOT discuss Ford in the hotdog suit! Will. Not. Even. DO IT!

But I will indeed discuss the "sample my wiener" dialog … I mean, really??? Could you be more blatant with that as Ford says this to random people in the park? I don’t think you could if you tried, show. I really DO NOT! And who the hell walks around the local park giving away free samples like that??? That's MALL territory, not a damn local park! Wieners on a tray in the park given away by some dude in a hot dog costume would make me immediately suspect and have the thumb atop the numbers of my cell phone, ready for 911, STAT! Stranger. Danger, yo. Stranger. Danger.

Is it just me or is Jess acting more and more like Tess as the time goes on? I’m starting to wonder who I’m actually watching on my screen. Not that I dislike it by any means, but I just see more of the bitch in Jess than I think I’ve seen… well, ever…

Rex is still seeing Gigi. So am I. And guess what? I’m sick of it. Get help for this problem, quick, fast and in a hurry. Oh, and BTW, check on your damn son, kaythanxbai! Over and OUT!

That said, I love the Rex and Natalie brother/sister relationship! I love that they are there for one another, I love that they listen to one another, I love that Rex really tries to help Natalie and puts his problems aside to be there for her when he thinks she needs it and she does the same thing. I think the show really “gets” their relationship. I truly adore it. But guess what I don’t adore??? Natalie being dumb about John. Proceed with caution:

Trick, he’s still in love with you. WTF??? She is seriously bemoaning this wanting to marry Brody, looking like the saddest panda I ever did see as she mopes all over town wearing his ring but says she’s happy. Shut up, no you’re not, and neither is half the audience. I could hear her brain now "le sigh, if only this ring had come from John". You know what??? As a newfound Jolie (don't hate, congratulate me ya'll, and deal) fan, I will give my Natalie some advice: man UP! I’m seriously ready to pull her hair out instead of mine over this, so that I can keep my hair nice and right, so fresh, so clean, and without bald patches all over my damn head. This woman, deep down, has to know that John is still in love with her, and yet, she overhears one little misunderstanding with him and Roxy and she thinks, once again, that it’s all over and he doesn’t want her. OMFG! Just the other day when she went to go and see him, he was so passionate in wanting to tell her that he was still in love with her, I just about DIED! Then he got a glimpse of the ring and told her all the things she didn’t want to hear, like 'oh, hey, yah, congrats on the engagement yo'. In that moment, her little balloon deflated, as did mine, because she thought he was for serious. Zay, what??? I don’t know how much more of this I can take. All of this declaring themselves to everyone but EACH OTHER!!! Good effing grief, no wonder no one in Llanview stays together. These people do not TALK TO EACH OTHER about the TRUTH!

Irene holding a gun on Viki as her back was turned, trying to get the perfect aim … for serious, yo. Irene is so OTT, I cannot help but love this, I just CAN.NOT! And I do love that Blair is who called Viki, just as Viki called Blair the other day. Feels like old times, ya’ll…

Onto other matters, TINA IS BACK, BITCHES!!!! She strolled up into the House of Lord and wistfully uttered that famous line from back in the day, “Am I too late?” FLOVED her entrance! Big hat to boot! Did you see the look on Viki’s face as her sister strolled in there??? UTTER. HORROR! But before that, we had David Vickers the pup version pissing on Blair’s foot. Her face as that happened about killed me. FLOVED it! KDP can do so much with her facial expressions. The look she gave Irene as that tripe walked in the door behind Viki was just as classic! And Jack, was the look on his face not “I want my mommie” the moment Irene told him to give her a kiss on the cheek??? I about died. He is seriously channeling his daddy as of late with the looks he gives people. I cannot help but dig it, YO!

But anyway, back to Tina! The banter between her and Blair was classic throwback! I only ever got to watch KT as Tina back in the day, and only witnessed the KT/KDP, Tina/Blair fights, but AE and KDP picked up right where KT and KDP left off. It was so classic! Those women will always have Todd and Cord and money issues between them. From Tina always trying to convince Todd that Blair was just after his money to Blair dating Cord, who by the way returns this week as well! Can’t wait for him and Tina to share scenes! These characters share a real, CLASSIC history! And the moment she turned around and saw Irene, SO CAMPY! Classic!!! She handed Viki the dog and then just fainted!!! SUCH A THROWBACK!!! Classic TINA!!! I loved it!!! I did not stop laughing the entire time she was on! And for her to actually think that either Todd or Victor would leave her anything in the will was just downright hilarious!

Oh, oh, oh. Viki used air quotes, ya’ll!!! Tell me you didn’t catch that little gem??? Victor “formerly known as” Todd Manning. Hi-LARIOUS! If that was an acting choice, it was a very smart one.

Did Jess really just up and double dutch, yo???

Tea looked at Irene like she was grossed out by her very presence! Hi-LARIOUS! BTW, is Thomas really supposed to be Todd’s first name??? I first remember hearing that during Todd’s DID story, but never thought it was really his first name…. Hmm, whatever, he’s still just gonna be Todd to the best of us.

I would like the show to remove any and all of the jackets from Blair’s closet. Please and thank you. Come winter, she better be rocking red heels and a mini in the snow.

Where the hell is lil Sam, now??? Back upstairs??? I’m going to need a Todd/Sam scene, like, yesterday, for realz… Does he know his BFF is his uncle???

Speaking of Todd, he was totally on the verge of cracking in the clink today after getting that note from Irene. Nobody does "panic/but I’m not crazy/but I could be/but I’m really not/but what if I am" quite like Roger Howarth. Loved when Starr showed up to see her daddy. RH and KA still work really well together as father and daughter. Love seeing that they’ve never lost that chemistry and dynamic. It just feels so natural with them. In the meantime, Todd thinks he should’ve killed his mother and gave himself crazy hair in the process all at the same time! Lordy, I fuggin love me some Roger Howarth. And how shallow of me to notice his muslces in that shirt as he freaked out, so much so that I had to rewind more than twice, maybe, three times or more, who knows. And… yes, it’s quite clear that he doesn’t know anything about this damn microchip that Irene wants. As he said, he would’ve done anything to get home to Starr, Blair and Jack… something about the way he says Blair’s name… kills me… dead… Anyway, since he doesn’t have “IT” and Irene has threatened those he loves, he needs Starr to bust him outta the clink!!! And look, ya’ll, she’s so smart, yo!!! Even Daddy says so!!! I’m looking forward to Starr breaking the law. THROWBACK to the little girl who could play the adults around her like a fiddle to get what she wanted. She is so Blair and Todd’s kid!

Riddle me this, how the HELL is that will even valid???

All in all, I loved the show!!! OLTL does not take itself seriously for the most part, and I think that's why I enjoy it so much!

Anything I missed, just catch me on the flip side, I might get it next time!!!! Holla!



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Welcome KELIAH's FIRST QUALMS!!!

Check them out at the site, click Keliah's Qualms to be directed to her section, and scroll down!

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Keliah's Qualms - New Feature

Get ready for this one!  Keliah, and her often humorous way of looking at things, is here to set the record straight.  Note, if easily offended, stay away!

Coming soon!

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