Keliah's Commentary: They had me at VERKLEMPT! yo! 10/7/11

This last week of OLTL had me swoonin’, for serious, yo! Love was in the air, everywhere I looked around. Friday’s, October 7 episode had Todd and Blair flashbacks. From Rodi’s to the Park Bench, to the, ahem, Stables, and that famous fairytale wedding. By the end of the show, I faded to black and passed out….

Then I awoke with blind anger and a fist aiming toward the TV. Wanna know why? Proceed ahead with caution, ya’ll!

First things first… CORD AND TINA ALMOST KISSED in the middle of Llanfair, YA’LL! Hot stuff! THEY WERE RIGHT THERE, YA’LL! Right. THURRR! Right THURRR! Her hand was on his face, she was asking for it, he had leaned in, willing to give it up like a two dollar hoe down the street for a taste of that spicy red headed vixen he still loves with all his southern heart, and it was all too much for my lil heart to take! But I was willing to squeal like a Belieber in lust for the very first time if they had given into their well heated passion! WHITE HOT! Then it was like someone yanked my happy chain and snapped me back to reality! I fell head first to the floor the moment Clint walked in with a big grin on his face and performed the infamous Llanview CockBlock, hands in pockets and ALL, ya'll! He was all too happy to keep his son from kissing his soulmate, er, love of his life… er, er, baby mama, right, right, that’ll work!

They tried to play it off like no big thing. As if Cord wasn’t trying to get at THAT and as if TINA wasn’t willing him with her eyes, lips, and voice! What the hell ever CorINA! What the hell Ev.ER! And yes, I just made a name for them! The 80s didn’t give supercouples squish names, but this is 2011, so they need to adapt to the times. Deal, yo! Just deal!

Clint doesn’t want Cord with Tina again, but Cord’s feelings for his baby mama are messy and complicated. Aren’t those the best feelings on soaps??? Usually means those folks get messy and complicated in bed. Okay, okay, so I’m a bit of a tramp and my mind goes to the lowest gutter in Llanview. SUE ME YA’LL! I’m digging up Sam’s body as we speak to represent me against Shark Delgado! Her plate’s full, what with repping StarrMiniMamaJamaWithHerGunWeildingSelf and Brother Tomas who claims to have killed Irene, for only reasons HE knows… hmm. Inquiring minds. Anywho, Cord told his daddy that his relationship with VixenTina was really no different than Big Daddy Clint’s relationship with Viki. To which, of course, Big Daddy denied. Whatev’s, yo. We already know that no one will ever replace Viki in that silver fox’s new heart o' his. It’s just the name of the game, son. Me thinks thou doth protest too damn much! Where’s that blue robe, cigar, and glass of cognac when Clint needs it???

The Vixen in question went to see Sister Viki at The Banner to ask if she was willing to help put out a lost ad for Princess David Vickers. Her twitter followers missed her. And of course, Vik’s was all, hell to the NAW, chick! you didn’t do anything to help my daughter! and Tina was all, why do Todd and Victor get free passes when they screw over you or your kids and I get bitched at??? What gives, yo??? and Vik was all, oh, yeah, okay, well, you got me there, girl, maybe you’re right, and then they hugged like sisters do and vowed to try and start over the moment the pup returned!

Jack is running The Sun. Someone tell me what the hell planet we’re on that THIS is allowed to happen??? Planet ZOLOFT??? Cause I def’s need some pills! I gather he can read, right? Blair says the boy makes good grades, and I only have her word to go on. Though, I suggest he add more words to his terrible vocab. Scarface is getting old, and much like Starr the other day, I was about ready to jack his ass up if he kept using it. One good thing about him going to taunt his sister? She called him out on being a liar, liar Armani Jacket on fire, because he opened his big mouth just a little bit too big this time and started bragging about the wrong thing. Jack needs another smack upside the head, but it seems to do him no favors. He has pretty hair, he can live off of that for awhile, I suppose.

Aye, yo! Where did Starr get her new threads and polish???

Ya’ll… what can I say about Ford and Jess? He’s hot, she’s pretty, and they went half on a baby. Okay, that’s all I got for them!

Oh wait, no I don’t, there’s more! Ford and Jess are new besties, so she told him that John is really Liam’s daddy. And GUESS WHAT, YO??? LIAM knows too! Liam knows who his daddy is before his own daddy knows, and GUESS WHO SPILLED THE PURINA to his Binky??? Princess David Vickers, aka, The For Serious Head Bitch in Charge, yo, before she returned to Tina o' course! She knows all. She sees all. Sniffs and hears all! And… she talks, bitches!!! She and Liam had a cute lil convo ala Look Who’s Talkin’. I love me some babies and some puppies. Put them together and rainbows and lollipops jump out of my television set!

What the hell else happened in Llanview on Friday???

Oh, right… THIS, shit here, ya’ll!!!!

Lordy, if that man looked at me and touched my hair like that, damn that shot up arm of his! I’d bolt the door to the cabin, STAT and in the words of Olivia Newton John, get physical… physical! Let me hear your body talk! Todd’s shirt was already half open and correct me if I’m wrong, he lost another button or two as the show went on. Apparently… his body was talking to Blair. Don’t believe me?

Rowl! Come hither, kitten!

As Todd and Blair took a stroll down memory lane, they talked about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the Stables. In the beginning when Blair smacked the HELL outta Todd to wake him up, as he had passed out in the previous episode, he awoke making the funniest “ouch” sound I think I’ve ever heard. Man or beast? I'll take both, thanks! Then when Blair just fell all over him after, I'm quite sure copping a feel in the process (psh, can you blame her, yo?), I could feel her happiness and relief in my bones! She couldn’t bear to lose him again! Hear her say “you don’t get to do this to ME, not again!!!” Yeah, not all of those 8 years without you were so “peachy” for her, Todd. Not SO, YO!

Why did I find it hot when she just lifted his head and put a towel behind his neck? :-/ They do unspeakable shit to me, ya’ll… lets hope they do the same to each other soon. What??? Don’t act like you’re not thinking it!!!

Anywho, this led to Todd thinking that if Blair just let him nod off, she would finally be rid of him. Blair was all, what the hell ever, yo, I’ve never been able to get away from your sexy ass, gorgeous eyes, masculine voice, and my matching hair style since that night we met in Rodi’s when they played that stupid Louie Armstrong song…

Hold the fudge, Blair. You know damn good and WELL that song was Nat King Cole! You sang it to Todd! But cha know what??? Imma let that one go, let it slide like an egg from a skillet since TODD remembered it, as well as every little bit from your epic history, which led into that hair touch I pointed out above! Le sigh! Le swoon! Le Freak! C'est Chic! Like I said, they’s be havin me swoonin, yo! When he asked her how she could forget something like that??? The way he said the word and looked at her??? I died, yo! Dead! A chick was ready for her coffin near the ribbon in the sky for their love!!! That meeting was the beginning of a whirlwind ride of a lifetime! Todd clearly proved that he was right via flashback, and Blair let him win that one, even though she couldn’t see it for herself, just so he could touch her hair. Totes understand!!! Just me, or do they look so young again when they are in each other’s presence??? Loves!

Next up, we had Blair racing across the room near the fireplace cause she wasn’t hot enough after Todd touched her hair. No doubt her knickers got in a twist from his big, sweaty hand. Then we had the park bench memory and it was the first time Blair realized she wasn’t alone in the world. We all say, awwww, son! Course Todd said he thought a lot about that night. Le, duh!!! MOST PATHETIC CONTEST!!! So in character, he often brought up that night in the past. I distinctly remember him bringing it up when he and Blair were handcuffed (courtesy of Todd himself), and then during his vows at their, what was it, third wedding??? Clearly, he likes it so much that he continues to put a ring on it, but inevitably, I lose count.

Anyway, Todd thought he got a bum rap that night, and stated that Blair was clearly more pathetic for being all moony over one Max Holden. Blair told him, whatever yo! You’s best at the self loathing, so you were right to win that night, and Todd was all, hell no, babe, I’m best at Stable sex, ring any bells??? Rang yours that night a few times. Blair blushed like a schoolgirl and happily agreed. As did Todd… like a naughty boy behind the bleachers. Tsk! Tsk!

Then we got into talk about Starr and Todd’s holding her for the first time (she is truly the light of his life, ya’ll, fo sho, fo sho!) which continued to trample over into the lies and babies category. Lies about babies, mostly. Blair lied about being pregnant to get her hands on Todd’s money, which flashed back to highwater pants and a wedding on a beach.

Blair: How do you feel?

Todd: Same. Only, weirder.

And Todd lied to Blair and told her her baby was dead, which flashed to gold earrings and short matching do’s. DAMN! Those were some rough times. I remember KDP’s performance during live week when she confronted Todd about the dead baby lie, of having given away Jack believing him to be a mini Max Holden. I cried just watching the flashback with Kassie and her tears ya’ll (of which she was robbed, ROBBED I tell you, of an EMMY that year!). I’m made of snickers and goo… Todd acknowledged it was the worst thing he had ever done to Blair. Thank God they didn’t gloss over that, because that baby is now a young man, and he is on the verge of having his head cracked by me on the daily. So, with that flashback, I admittedly felt something bad for the kid… it wont last, though, because there’s always Manic Monday.

Then… we had Blair get all up in Todd’s space as she put that towel behind his neck again, I’m guessing to cool him off, cause he was still sweating like he’d run a mini marathon. She asked how he was feeling, he said peachy, his new favorite word. I’m starting to think that’s a code word for something else. YOU KNOW! Anywho, she asked if he was tired and he said it wouldn’t matter because he’d have nightmares, then asked her if she told the kids stories like that when he was gone. Blair said their kids, like their parents, like horror stories, to which Todd countered that she could speak for herself cause he was a dude about fairytales and Gold Balloons, yo!!!

Insert: Gold Balloon flashback and thoughts of happy endings.

Blair thinks fairytales should have happy endings, Todd surmises that their fairytale isn’t over. They both lean in and… and… and!!!! They get so close, so close, they both had mints and tic tacs, brushed their teeth a few times just in case, they're ready, they're ready… so are we... and…

AND!!!!

BAM! M'effin FADE TO BLACK!!!!

Well kids, I fell back, I screamed, I cursed, and then I balled my fist and aimed for the television set. And then I sat back and attempted to rationalize the situation at hand. Didn’t work, so I ran to twitter and ranted!

As I said, there’s always Manic Monday! Though I fear another cockblock will be in order! :Makes Angry Red Face and curses under breath:

Hope ya’ll enjoyed my extensive recap!!! If I missed anything this go round, perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be!

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