Keliah's Commentary: Life After You 10/23

Damn! This was one long column! Sorry, son!

OMIGAWD Y’ALL! I have been MIA for at least the last two weeks! No, I was not in a drunken stupor, but I thanks ya for the concern, babes! A chick has been worn out like crazy from work and OD’ing on twitter that I’ve had no time to properly get my thoughts together for the show as of late. So, jump aboard and we’ll recap Friday, the October 21st episode with a little talk from Thursday as well. You know, the one where Tomas the “good man” let his guard down and admitted to Blair that he was all up in love with her and shit. Totes romantic, only not at all. Yeah, THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE! RME, let’s get this party started, YO!

First things first. Guess who doesn’t give a damn about STAGIGI! Hell yeah, that’s me! Either stay in the coma or wake up, but for heavens sake SHADDUP! I love how she doesn’t know much of anything, least of all her own name, yet, she can easily use a laptop and can spell "Morasco" like she saw it in her sleep, no hesitation whatsoever, y’all. Must be nice to know nothing and everything in the midst of being knocked out every five minutes because we can’t stop the screech-beech party of one.

What the hell is Rex still doing in that BE office? Better yet, when in THA HELL was he ever in the office before he suddenly decided to move out of it? Oh that’s right, he was not, YO! He was too busy chasing strippers and ghosts all over creation while his kid was stealing guns and clocking people in the head, but not killing them. I swear he’s been moving out of that office for days now. Yeah, don’t care. And I care even less about involving Aubrey in his nonsense. TRUTH: I am a Terri Conn fan. I watched her on ATWT and I loved her as Katie Peretti, even though she cried in just about every episode until the very last one when the world stopped turning. No, seriously, girlfriend could’ve sold water from all the tears she shed over the years. But frankly, Aubrey is no longer needed in Llanview. Joey left her ass high and dry and the moment he skipped town with Kelly, she should’ve BEEN GONE TOO! Sorry, it’s just the way it is. Again, I love Terri, she’s beautiful and I think she is a good actress. But Aubs ain’t needed, yo, and she DEFS ain’t needed to be all up in Rex’s grill.

We ALREADY KNOW WHAT IS GOING DOWN HERE, FOLKS! STAGIGI is gonna get outta that bed any day now, barefoot and gown wearin’, and make her way back to Llanview and her “man” and “kid”. Frankly, if she’s not Gigi once all is said and done (should’ve been DONE before it even started, but I digress), I must ask, who in the flyin gives a fluck, yo??? Who liked Stacy when she was alive? Not following here, RC. Not following, son. Sorry. WTF did you kill off Gigi in the first place? For shits and giggles? Nobody's giggling, here. No one. Again, not following the logic. Is there logic? Dunno. I’m starting to wonder if I need a dunce cap to understand certain going’s on in LV.

Ayyyyy, yo! Starr’s the new Britney Spears! Oops, I did it again! Waitin’ on the day she finally shaves all that pretty blond hair from that head o’ hers and takes the sharp end of an umbrella to the car of an obnoxious pap. Like the one who suggested that she was molested as a child?!?!??! Excuse my language, but what in the fuckity-fuck-fuck? Not only was that unnecessary, but it was probably one of the most disgusting and tasteless lines I think I’ve ever heard on this show. I totally GET that paps are ruthless which was most likely the point, and I loved like no other when Starr went Manning on his ass and kneed him in the balls and rightfully so, but that was totally over the line. I missed it when I watched the first time and frankly, I’m glad I did. Oh, and for the record, I watch TMZ on a nightly basis (DON’T JUDGE MY OBSESSION WITH CELEBRITIES, SON!), paparazzi are NOT supposed to be all up in your space like that when you are on private property. They are NOT allowed to come to the FRONT DOOR of your damn house! They hang out on curbs, they lurk in bushes and talk to themselves about what footage they’re getting, and they sit in their cars down the street and wait for you to make your daily run to the nearest liquor store or baby mama house, but they don’t go up to your door and start taking pictures of you trying to get into your home. It wasn’t like she was standing outside of a courthouse, which IS public property! I mean, really, it’s the little things that are missed here, and that was minor as hell, but it also bugged the crap outta me, so you’re going to hear about it! So that douchebag taking her keys, the same one who suggested she was molested??? Yeah, that shit just doesn’t happen and she should’ve kneed him again on principal alone. He would’ve been sued up the ass if that were real.

Yo, yo, yo, son, am I the only one who busted a gut when Tea was all, "Tomas, bruh, are you sure you’re willing to go to jail for a crime you didn’t commit? I mean, yeah, so you dumped your family before, you walked away from me and Daniella and your son and wife, which is totes cool and all. We all good in the hood now. But now, NOW, NOW, you’re with the one woman who’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard! WTF, dude, are you sure you are willing to LEAVE Ms. Blond Goodies?!?!?!?” Yeah, that about sent me into a laughing coma, if only because the line was in and of itself laughable, and a way to pimp this poorly contrived and constructed triangle. Oh, oh, oh! And he’s totes in love with Ms. Goodies too. Okay, so yeah, Blair’s hot like fire, so I’d probably fall to her feet and do anything she asked me to do as well. Admittedly, she’s just got it like that, I cannot lie. So I can’t blame him on that. But DUDE is the reason Todd was snatched away from her and had his brain fried for 8 years. Yeah, don’t feel too sorry for Tomas right about now, nor do I give a damn about his martyrdom in taking the wrap for killing Irene. Thank God I really like Ted King, cause Tomas is just a big no. Not, at all, son. Not ATALL!

Listen show, if you want me to believe that “Delgado” as Todd called him Friday, is a good guy, making him the reason that MY TODD WASN’T AROUND FOR 8 YEARS???? Yeah, not such a smart move. Now he’s being whitewashed to the extreme, and I’m STILL NOT BUYING IT! The fact that he ripped Blair’s picture from Todd’s hands (TRUTH: Blair is always the last person on Todd’s mind when he thinks he’s about to die), and then stared at that picture for 8 years and then painted that picture and fell in lust with it over that time just makes him sound like an out and out total creepster who I wouldn’t want near me with a 20 foot pole. Double the length, double the assurance. Say what you will about Todd, but at least he actually GOT SOME from Blair before he was always at her front door and calling her thanking her for “Christmas Presents”. Wink. Wink.

Also of note, the fact that Blair is written as some fickle teenager to pimp this shit bugs me to no end. She knows she loves Todd. WE know she loves Todd, so this spiel to Tomas “I guess, I never even mattered to you, did I?”. No Blair, I think you mattered a little bit too much, that’s been proven. He hasn’t gotten any and he’s already claiming love. Yeah, most dudes who actually GET some have a hard time saying it. He would’ve been talking to my hand months ago. But more of that later…

Random Question, nothing to do with Friday, but anyone want to tell me why the hell Nate is still on the show? Yeah, he serves no purpose, never did, and all the random pop ups make me leave the room. I’ll take James over him any day of the week, thanks. Speaking of which, what an awesome boyfriend James is. He went to visit Starr in jail, he was there to help her with the paps and was taking care of her daughter. We should all be so lucky to have a man taking care of US for once! He was also ready to pepper spray someone for her! Send him a basket of goodie’s, yo! Just not Blair’s, this ain’t Bold and Beautiful!

Tomas was talking and trying to out martyr himself. And I was all…. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz NEXT!

Rick wants to work with Starr on her music career… yeah, no. I’m not interested in seeing Starr shake it like a salt shaker in a music video with anyone about anything. Keep doing you, going to school and taking care of your baby. Cause G-Ma Goodies will have her hands full with G-Pap Todd pretty damn soon. They have 8 years to, ahem, catch up on and reconnect in every way imaginable. Yeah, I totally went there. DEAL!

Speaking of G-Ma, G-Pap, goodies, and milkshakes…

Look at the pretty! LOOK AT IT! And they have matching hair color, they do!

Admittedly, I was more than prepared to be pissed about the Todd and Blair scenes. Why you ask? Well, because, I never know how the writing is going to go. Since the show is so janky lately, it’s hard to tell what was taped when and if certain scenes will add up and make sense later. Todd and Blair hadn’t spoken since the cabin scenes, even though they had seen each other in the police station. But, I’m gathering that it’s only been about 3 or 4 soap days since the cabin? 5 at best? Yeah, look how well Todd’s arm is doing now! Blair was a miracle worker, he didn’t even need a real doctor, son! He’s moving and shaking around town like a money maker!

Anywho, I was pleasantly surprised by the scenes. I felt both parties gave valid arguments. I also admittedly LOVE that when Blair said the he was just like Victor, Todd looked both hurt and angry. Then got up in Blair’s face and told her it was the last time she would compare him to Victor. Now, maybe everyone else can get away with whitewashing Victor’s crimes or saying that certain things weren’t his fault and blah, blah, blah, even if I saw the shit he did with my own two eyes. Maybe everyone else can say Vic was hot in bed or that they started to feel sorry for him when they absolutely shouldn’t have, or that everything he did was because he was programmed to be like Todd, but NOT BLAIR! Aside from the fact that Victor was an ass to her more often than not for the better part of their years, she's not whitewashing his crimes. And chick has One True Babe status and Todd Manning won’t let that fly with her, not even. And she knew it. She knew the button to push to get him to react, and react he did.

It was the way in. Blair was trying to appeal to the good in Todd in not letting someone else take the fall for killing his mother, which is exactly what Victor would have done and DID do in the case of the Jack/Gigi ordeal: letting someone else pay for his crime. Yes, bitch mama needed to die, and yes, Tomas is the jackass who kept Todd from his family. HOWEVER, Tomas deserves to be struck by a clusterfuck of natural circumstances: i.e., karma that comes in the form of something larger and more significant than this. Going down for something he didn’t commit, again, doesn’t fly with me. It doesn’t make him a better person or a better man for doing so. He’s trying to appeal to his guilt for what he did to Todd, and has so much as admitted so to anyone who will listen. Yeah, I’m not feeling that. Blair was right, Todd needed to come clean, if only for the sake of his own good conscience. Otherwise, just as she told their son about lying in regards to claiming that he saw Todd the night of Victor’s death when he knew he didn’t, it would eat him up inside. That's one of many differences between Todd and Vic Jr. But... I digress.

Now, where she was wrong was calling Tomas a good man. He isn’t. Plain and simple, he’s not a good man. Don’t show me otherwise and then force me to believe something that isn’t happening. Yeah, it doesn’t really work like that. I don’t blame Blair for that line, I blame the writing. And I blame the writing because no one, NO ONE, not just Blair, has been able to call him on this foolishness! Not Tea, not Dani, not Starr, not ANYONE! Except for Baz, who is now gone. Frankly, that’s all he was good for, calling his dad on his bullshit and lies. It’s absolutely ridiculous! If you want a character to be naturally root worthy, even when they are as loathsome as loathsome can be, then they need to own up to their shit and not have other folks excuse their heinous and crappy behavior. In other words, if Tomas wanted me to give a damn about him despite the shit he’s done, then he should’ve enrolled himself in the School of Todd Manning, the RH edition. As of right now, yeah, don’t give a shit. I got 99 problems and Tomas is one!

Todd was right in telling Blair that Tomas was the reason he was locked up and straight up, that he is NOT A GOOD MAN! Thank you, TODD! You speak for the audience. Tomas is indeed the reason Todd lost 8 years of his life and was sent to bitch mama and was forced to live in a cage while his now whitewashed brother was living it up in his place. Blair is truly sympathetic to Todd’s situation, she so much as pointed out to Tea what Todd had been through a few months back. But in truth, in that moment with Todd in the hall of the courthouse, she was not making appeals to him for Tomas’s sake. She was making appeals for Todd. What I saw was her wanting him to prove to her, and to himself if I may, that he had changed. That he had become someone who could admit his wrong doings upfront. Notice how she never once thought to rat him out....

Todd didn’t want to confess to Irene’s murder because he thought if he did, he would lose everything he had fought to come home too… everything. Then he took Blair’s hand, y’all! And Blair didn’t let go, and he didn’t let go, and he just stared at their hands as she talked. And I just Sa-WOOONNNNNEEEEEEDDDD! like a teenager in love for the first time! Just call me Bella Swan! Todd and Blair are my sparkling Edward’s in one, yo! So, I pretty much need them to make out like teenagers soon. It’s been 8 years for everyone. They haven’t kissed since August and we all know they’re jonesing to do just that and then some. But we have to start somewhere. I think a heavy makeout session against a door or wall is needed. Those people are way too good looking to just keep making eyes at each other and holding hands. It’s torturous foreplay for the audience, so I could only imagine THA HELL they are going through right about now.

Ayyyye, so bitch mama returned to try and tell Todd that he shouldn’t listen to Blair. In short, he shoved bitch mama aside and listened to Blair and burst into that courtroom looking hot as hell and in turn, BURST Tomas’s bubble of martyrdom! AHAHAHAHA! Nice. Todd confessed to killing Irene, then we were once again treated to a fake flashback of him possibly killing Victor and him on the verge of speaking it, but…. Yeah, no, sorry. He won’t say a thing come Monday and no matter how many times I have to see that flashback, I’m still not buying it. Todd didn’t kill Victor, his mother is making him think that cause she’s evil. Most likely, he’s not even dead, or Irene did it herself. So you can keep shoving that flashback in my face, show, but I STILL WONT BELIEVE IT! In the meantime, I need Todd to admit that he eventually spoke up because of Blair. My life will be as complete as it never was before, yo!

So that’s all I got for Friday, y’all. Until next time, mai darlin’s! If I forgot something in this column, it probably wasn’t meant to be!!!

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